Friday, March 21, 2014


Cat Care

Just a few things to help you medicate your beloved pet.


Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as though you were cradling a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to its cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process. retrieve cat from basement and throw soggy pill away. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws, ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. flick pill down ruler with forefinger and rub cat's throat vigorously. Remove cat from valence of living room windows. bandage forefinger, instruct assistant on fastest route to Hospital and assure him that you will pay the E.R. bill. Sweep up shattered fragments of family pictures, make note to buy new frames, apologize to wife. retrieve new pill from dwindling supply. Wrap cat in beach towel and ask new assistant to lie on cat with only the cat's head protruding from between assistant's legs. Put pill in tube of paper, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow on the tube to force pill down cat's throat. read instructions on pill bottle to insure that pil is not lethal to humans. Sip water to remove taste from your mouth. Pack new assistant's pant crotch with beach towel and fill his pockets with ice cubes to stem bleeding. Assure assistant that his voice won't always sound like that. Call cab to take assistant to Hospital E.R. repeat process as with Assistant number one .Remove blood from carpet and your clothes with detergent. Call 911 and request fire department to retrieve cat from top of utility pole. Obtain last pill from bottle., wrap cat from throat to tip of tail with Duct tape, taking care to immobilize all 4 legs with approximately one half inch of Duct tape. Call hair salon and make appointment to have Duct tape removed from head.
Borrow welder's gloves from neighbor. Don thick woolen overcoat, G.I. Helmet and welder's face shield and goggles. Pry cats couth open with Wife's new $250.00 tennis racquet. Drop pill, wrapped in half ounce of hamburger down cats throat. Pour one fourth ounce of vodka down cat's throat and drink the rest of the bottle yourself.
Try to wash out fragmented pill from your eyes. Assure neighbor you will buy him new welding gear. Promise wife a new Tennis racquet. Call Attorney and mail him a retainer. Go to hospital E.R. for blood transfusion. Pay cabdriver to have seats recovered to hide blood. Give cat to Animal Shelter. Give shelter $500.00.
Buy a Guppy. Move.

Note to Cat Owners. If this is offensive to you, call your Congressman to complain.


No comments: