IN THE NEWS

Hello Folks:
I watched with interest an Interview with Charles Barkley over the past few days, in which he stated his opinion of the people who, upon receiving the verdict that the Grand Jury returned in the matter of the recent of an 18 year old youth in Ferguson, Missouri.

I honestly cannot say that I was surprised when hordes of lawless fools descended upon the area and began looting and setting afire businesses in the area. Now, I'd venture a guess that not ONE person in that mob ever once thought, "wait a minute" the folks who own this store or shop had NOT one damn thing to do with either the shooting, the verdict of the Grand Jury or anything else pertaining to this matter. These individuals just saw an opportunity to steal as much as they could carry and then set the just pillaged shop afire to make their theft seem like anger. It wasn't anger. It was GLEE. A damned good chance to light finger a bunch of stuff with little or no chance of being arrested.

Therefore I was, as I have already stated, very interested in Mr. Barkley's opinion's. He stated that the people who were doing all these illegal acts were "scumbags" and he said that the verdict of the Grand Jury was properly the only verdict they could have returned, given the testimonials offered there. He, as I, was also interested, and outraged, that some of those testifying had shown by THEIR OWN TESTIMONY THAT THEY WEREN'T EVEN AT THE SCENE, EITHER WHEN THE SHOOTING TOOK PLACE OR  IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS.

Mr. Barkley also said  words to the effect that it is monumentally stupid to think that the Police are always wrong or that all Black people are always innocent. Just as (I think) it would be monumentally stupid of me to think that all white people are always right. Ask anyone who knows me and they will tell you that when one or more white trash individuals are arrested for, among other things, making and/or selling Meth, I will either vocally or in the written words say a sincere 'Attaboy(s)" to our Police Officers.

And I say OUR Police Officers advisedly. these unsung heroes are, in their own words, 'SERVANTS OF THE PEOPLE'.

Now let me be a little more clear, in case there is any confusion of any of my words. All Black People ARE NOT crooks or trash.
All White People are not crooks or trash and most certainly, neither group are always innocent or guilty.

And all the foregoing is why I so happily endorse Charles Barkley's words, and if I knew how to contact him I would thank him, knowing full well that he wouldn't care what I thought, and I would not by taken aback by this, as, THE MAN SAYS WHAT HE THINKS!!.

It's just too bad that our news media do not hew to this line. Its also a damned shame that so few people, beside me, saw the video of the Poor, Innocent, Angelic, slender young Mr. Brown just boldly helped himself to an entire box of Swisher Sweet cigars, and tried to steal a second box only to be thwarted by his cohort in this crime who wanted no part of it and put the box of cigars aside,

 that Brown had thrust at him while he (Brown) was in the process of stealing another box of the Cigars. And I am sorry that so few people watched the store tape that showed all the foregoing, along with the slight Asian clerk being shoved violently back when he objected to the crime and then when he (the clerk) said something else to Brown, Brown turned and advanced upon the clerk in a threatening manner..

To sum up.

THANK YOU CHARLES BARKLEY, AS YOU KNOW, THE TRUTH IS ALWAYS REFRESHING.

Stay Well

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Lessons

Good Evening:

The events over the past few months in Ferguson, Mo have prompted me to comment, which I really shouldn't do, but what the heck.

Agonized Black Lawyers and screaming white liberals have screamed (literally) for change. They(Or their placards) demand justice, and they participate in those most Holy of righteous protests, Looting and Arson, while the grieving Mother somehow pulls herself together long enough to dye her hair an endless series of blazing neon colors (shows up better on T.V.) and swoons frequently into the arms of one or another large men, if on T.V.

Here's a Tip Mom, or rather a couple of tips.

1. Teach your kids not to steal.

2. Teach your kids not to commit strong arm robbery, on Camera.

3. Teach your kids not to assault and threaten tiny Asian storekeepers, again, on camera.

4. Teach your kids not to Fight with a Policeman.

5. Teach your kids not to try to grab the Policeman's weapon.

Teach your kids and their friends not to lie in an attempt to cover up a crime
6. Teach your kids to surrender.


Now I don't want anybody to think that I, nor any Police Officer that I know, lacks feelings. To the contrary, I do not know of one single Police Officer who really wants to shoot somebody!

Oh, and one more thing!!


Teach your kids to obey the law and do so your self......................................Dammit!!!

Love
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THE GAP WIDENS

Good Evening all.

But to be honest, I don't feel like it is such a good evening. First of all, just  about the only thing on the Television was the shooting of a Black Teenager by a Suburban St. Louis, Mo Police Officer. This jump- started, as it too frequently does, a Black Riot, during which white-owned stores were broken into, and basically all their merchandise was stolen by BLACK looters. The stores, when empty, were then set on fire. The one exception I saw was a black owned store, open safely for business (Thirsty Work, Rioting and thieving) and on the front of the store was painted "the only good Cop is a dead Cop."The rioters and looters weren't looking for Justice, they were looking for Nikes, or anything else they could lift
And naturallywho Comes to save the day?why  the attorney general of the United States, who wasted no time in instructing the F.B.I. to investigate the affair for civil rights violations, on the part of the (white) Police Officers. And quite naturally those merchants whose entire store, and all it's merchandise were pillaged and looted have no civil rights at all. The Attorney General detailed dozens of Agents to knock on doors for a six block radius. Presumably these instructions led to lots of :I didn't see  that cracker Cop shoot that po boy, but I know he did it fo sure; replies.
 You give me about six solid troopers with saws and I'll promise you that those particular looters will no longer be in business. I'm as sure as I can be that people will all think or emote "Racist", that's Bullshit and you all know it. Since when is it racist to Decry Strong Arm Robbery, Rioting and Looting and Arson? I'm more than a little sick and tired of the Police always being described as the Bad Guys by T.V. Media and Al," call me shit-stirrer Sharpton", et al. Those who are very ready to criticize the Police are the first to call the Police when they fear they are in trouble. Now I won't pretend to know the circumstances of the shooting of the large young man who was fresh from a Strong-Arm Robbery of a convenience store. For all I know he and his smaller companion might have been walking down the  street, singing Gospel Hymns and passing out Church Bulletins. But even as I write this, I say "Not bloody likely". But also not likely is a scenario of a Police Officer shooting an innocent young man. and just to add fuel to my mental-fire is the fact that Police Powers being stripped from the Ferguson Police by the Federal Government. This, if I remember correctly is called "Posse-Comitadus" and is unconstitutional.Folks, we have all got to  stop automatically blaming the Police anytime there is an altercation, without stopping and waiting until an investigation is complete. Then who ever is at fault will be named as at fault and will be tried and if found guilty will receive appropriate punishment. But to make my status as clear as clear can be and I will say this: I have known a lot of Law Enforcement Officers in my life, from community officers to Federal Officers of all stripes, and I have known a Hell of a Lot more Honest and capable officers than I have corrupt Officers.BUT you ask any Police Officer in a big city and who was or is investigating a shooting if he or she found anybody who was or is willing to point a finger at this particular felon, if the felon is black. THIS HAS GOT TO STOP. Anyone who knows me knows that I am absolutely in favor of Law Enforcement, be it in a Black or White neighborhood, PERIOD.

Then to just make this a Jim-Dandy day, I have just read where Robin Williams, one of the funniest guys in the World, is dead. A suicide. It has not been all that long since Jonathan Winters died, of apparent Old Age, so we are left with a huge hole in our society where Humor used to be, and boy could we ever use it on a day like today. I made a prediction when Obama was elected that I would not be surprised if Race Relations became worse than ever. I take no satisfaction in these events proving me right on this one subject.
Be afraid folks. Be very afraid.


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DEATH OF A NATION

DEATH OF A CITY, STATE AND COUNTRY.

Good Evening:

I was watching television recently and I happened on a talk show in progress. Now I almost never watch these shows, as it is a seldom thing when any of the participants know what the Hell they're talking about, but on this particular bit of Television verbiage the participants were discussing and Tsk-Tsk-ing the near abandonment of certain neighborhoods in many, if not most, large cities in the U.S. Now all these "learned" folks all had a different opinion of what was the cause of the decay of these once nice neighborhoods, and I should stress Neighborhoods, even though the participants on
 this show did not. they just glossed over the fact that in these areas people lived, worked, maintained their properties, raised their children and felt safe and a sense of pride in their neighborhood, but slowly but surely as these long ago good Citizens either died or moved to the suburbs, in what pundits call "White Flight", and these once fine areas decayed, as many, if not most of the properties became rental properties, as their owners could find no one willing to live in a changing neighborhood, as they would not feel safe in doing so. And they were right. So the decay continued. Where happy children once played on safe streets, but were told, with no discussion, to be in before dark. these same children were living in an atmosphere of Good Manners, attention to Schoolwork, obeying the law, and growing up to be a good member of a prosperous city , state and Country.
But No longer. As the houses were either rented, as long as they here habitable, or alternatively occupied by either a family where no Father was present, or were occupied by would-be gangsters or "Crack Pads" or drug houses. In the isolated home where an actual family lived, one with a Father as well as a Mother, and decent children lived, they lived in constant fear for their safety. On almost any street corner you would find either one or more Hookers or a Drug Pusher or two. It is not uncommon to find a child as young as ten or so being used by these pushers to fetch a given amount of drugs, once the pusher was sure that he was not selling to a Policeman, as in the unlikely event of a "Bust", the young runner would be lectured and sent home by the Authorities, and would in too many instances, go right back to his same job with a different pusher.
And yet the participants in these so called "Talk Shows" would blame everyone except the people to blame from this decay. They would blame the Government, the Police, the Schools and the Churches, ignoring the fact that most Schools and Churches had also fled to the Suburbs. but they still talked, around and around, weekend after weekend, and the decay continued and is continuing.

The predictable effect of all this is simple. First neighborhoods, then cities have fallen into decay, the Police and Fire Departments WILL NOT go into these areas, as they are not fools, to unnecessarily risk their lives for people and areas that are just not worth it, and before you know it the City is doomed, and people such as Ray Nagin, the onetime Mayor of New Orleans, run these cities long enough to fill their pockets, and those of their cronies, and the decay continues, unabated, and only seldom is any one of these 'City Killers', once their pockets are full, fail to move to a safer area themselves.
But not one person will speak up and assign the blame to those responsible, for fear of being called a racist.
But maybe one of these fine days a man or a woman will say "Just a damned Minute, I'm sick and tired of the people of these United States being so damned quick to blame everything and everybody but themselves for the state of their neighborhoods. Some misguided people have felt that they could change the Nation through Elections, even going to the extreme of Electing a man, or a number of Men (and Women) too, who have never managed anything in their lives, but they are the color dujour, religion du jour, attitude and well....Hell, you get the idea. We've currently got a President who waltzed into the highest Office in the land, not because of his qualifications, for he had none, but for his ability to read a good speech from a teleprompter, and for his Color (that and a bunch of millions of Dollars from Oprah). And these selfsame people have convinced themselves, and made excuses into the hundreds for Junior. "Looky there everybody in the Band is out of step but Junior".

Now I have admitted a hard truth, and that is that I am an Old Man, and as any fool will tell you an Old Man is, or should be, free to tell the truth.
I'll let you in on another little secret. I once thought that the harder you worked, on almost any job, the more success you would have. But that truth turned out to not hold true, which I found out the hard way, that of working over 35 years with that belief, only to, after working for 20 years in a Nuclear Fuels Laboratory, be disabled and gasping for breath every day, all day. Now, it's true that I made a living in all these jobs, to a greater or lesser degree, but I NEVER hit the Mother Lode. That Executive Job that would enable my Wife and I to sock a Bank full of Dollars in Savings to enable us to live what is customarily known now as the good life.
But take Heart America. There's always Bankruptcy. Of the Pocketbook I mean. The Country is already morally Bankrupt, I fear.

Stay Well and Hope for the Best.

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Read any good books, lately?

Good Afternoon:

Reading over my Email today, I received, as I frequently do, an advertisement for Amazon.com.

I have ordered several books through this fine organization, and therefore I usually scan their ads pretty carefully.

Today's offering included an ad for The 100 Books one should read, in a sort of "Bucket List", presumably before one dies. (it'd be pretty difficult to read these after the final fact, eh what?)

Anyway. I scanned over the list, and agreed with #1, which was "To kill a Mockingbird". No argument there. I must have read that book close to a dozen times, and each time discover another part of the book, whether it be dialogue, character or situation, or just the mental image that a passage evokes in me.  This to me is one test of a really good book. If a person can set down with a book, and be instantly transported to an area , a time, a situation, or whatever else that this person finds instantly either thought provoking, a "feel-good" bit of dialogue or a description of a time or place that he or she remembers with fondness, then that person is reading what amounts to a Good Book. To that person. And I submit, that that is the reason we all read. This, to me, I have a mental list of a number of books that I've read, enjoyed, and would not hesitate to recommend to another.

Of course, like any list, there will be some lemons on the list that I did not enjoy, sometimes after more than one reading, thinking I surely must have missed something in the book, as others have praised it to the sky.

One such book on this current list of 100, is "The Catcher in the Rye" by J.D. Salinger, who perished a year or two ago, and was, according to some of the people who had , to me, the unhappy experience of knowing him, however well, he is more often than not described as disagreeable. So in this case at least, I would be likely to employ the book only to give to someone I didn't like.

However in the case of a person whose company I enjoy, I would consider it an insult to give this book to him or her.

Of course, on this list, as with any other list there is a lack of some books that I found absolutely wonderful, and I expect that this is true of almost anyone who loves to read, and personally I can't imagine anyone who doesn't, except an Aunt of mine who was very nearly boastful in stating that she had never read a whole book !.

Now this Aunt was in most ways a lovable sort who loved, generally, all people, and loved also to cook, an Art that she practiced with expertise, so perhaps it's not really a character flaw if one chooses not to read, but I just can't imagine a life without books. I recently had the unhappy occasion to file a claim with my Home Owners Insurance Company, which led to a visit by an adjuster, who made the remark that 'You guys got too much stuff', how many books have you got, anyway?

All this accomplished was an almost overwhelming urge to, as my Grandfather once said of a man who tried to crush a person's hand when he shook it, made me want to piss on his leg.

But that's just me, my wife and our books.

Stay Well and read

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Good Evening Folks

As you can see I've had to increase the Font Size on this blog, due to Google changing so many things about BlogSpot and/or blogger.I guess they (google) figure that since it doesn't cost anything to have a blog on either of these two sites, one shouldn't complain about a few changes, and maybe they are right, whoknows?

I've been asked how I would typify myself as a writer, blogger or what have you, and never knew what to reply.
so. .  . I've decided to call myself a Ninja Writer. I don't, as far as I can tell, fall into any other category save, perhaps, amateur.

But since I've never been one to fence myself in in few or any endeavors, I've decided to call myself a Ninja Writer. I will write as well as I am able, but I will not necessarily comply with any of the Iron rules of writing. I will capitalize when and if I choose, punctuate, when I do at all, strictly when and where I choose, and just in general write in a fashion that would horrify an English teacher (that's the one sop I'll throw them).

My youngest son is currently awaiting publication of his second book, so HE and he alone will be the writer in this family.

So. . . Dear Hearts, I will continue to write to please myself and if I accidently please someone else, it'll be an accident.

I have over the past several months been writing a series of stories, hopefully in the Comedy Genre, about two boys/men who are residents of  the fictional town of BeeHop, Arkansas. Neither of these youths is what one would call intelligent, gifted, ambitious, or any other of the qualities we like to use when we are praising someone. They live to please themselves, and scrape along as best they are able. I have arbitrarily named these two nimrods Therlew and Norvun and I am trying to make the stories about them and their little town amusing to me, and perhaps sufferable to a few others. I may or may not someday start posting an occasional one of these efforts on this site, and if I do, I won't even bother to try to evade the slings and arrows from those literati who always know better.

thanks and Stay Well

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HELPWANTED

HELP WANTED:

ANTIQUE AMERICAN SEEKS SOMEONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN WHAT IN THE WORLD HAS HAPPENED TO BLOGGER OR BLOGSPOT, OR WHAT HAVE YOU. I POSTED FOR SEVERAL YEARS ON BLOGSPOT.COM AND HAD NOT A SINGLE GRIPE, BUT THEN GOOGLE DECIDED TO CHANGE THINGS AROUND, AND VIRTUALLY OVERNIGHT THIS OLD GENTLEMAN CAN'T FIND ANYTHING. I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE DASHBOARD (AND THAT'S THE MAIN COMPLAINT) IS. I GOT A NOTE FROM WHICHEVER 12 YEAR OLD OVERSEES GOOGLE NOW AND TOLD ME TO JUST LOG IN TO MY BLOG AND EVERYTHING WOULD BE RIGHT THERE. NOPE...NOPE...NOPE ,DID NOT HAPPEN. MAYBE (PROBABLY) IT'S JUST BECAUSE I AM 553 YEARS OLD IN DOG YEARS AND FEEL EVERY DAMN CENTURY OF IT.

I WORKED FOR YEARS AS A CHEMIST IN AN ATOMIC WEAPONS PLANT AND HAD NO TROUBLE WITH SOME TRULY COMPLEX STUFF, AND AM JUST TOO DAMNED STUBBORN TO ADMIT THAT I AM NOW OFFICIALLY STUPID.

ANYHOW

ANYBODY WHO KNOWS HOW TO FIND ONES WAY THROUGH THE GOOGLE RIVER WITH ROD AND GUN(JUST KIDDING - I THINK)

IF THERE IS OUT THERE A KIND SOUL WHO CAN TELL ME WHAT IN THE WORLD I AM DOING WRONG, PLEASE TELL ME, VIA A COMMENT ON THIS POST.

A MILLION THANKS IN ADVANCE

THE OLD, OLD, OLD PROFESSOR

When a little becomes a lot

Good Afternoon Folks:

A funny thing happened to me a couple of days ago. I was reading the Newspaper when suddenly something in one of the usually long, boring, mysterious plot editorials struck my eye.

It was something (and I'm winging it here, as I've misplaced the newspaper) on the order of two 12 year old girls in "the projects" had been arrested for stabbing a playmate who was also 12.
the Editorial went on to discuss, in a mystified way, what could have possibly led to this act. The writer stated, as just an aside, for some reason this type of thing was happening all over the country, and wasn't it a shame that Congress hadn't allotted more monies to give to young, unmarried, uneducated, single family homes to alleviate such behavior, for it a proven liberal fact that if you throw enough money at it, the Leopard will most assuredly change its spots, ask anyone in the liberal press and they will ask for just a liiitttlllee more time and they'll quote you chapter and verse of such an occurrence, and while you are waiting, start building a full scale replica of the Eiffel Tower in your back yard. You'll have plenty of time to finish it. Now if any of you have stuck with me so far, I would like to draw a corollary between this unhappy state of affairs, and an occurrence  in some of the Southern States over the last half century or so. Now before you dig out your old Ivy League Sweatshirt, Fire of your BMW or Porsche, pick up a few dozen "Register to Vote, NOW!!!! signs, you're on the wrong track.

It seems that back in the Fifties some misguided soul computed (guessed) that the American Alligator was an ENDANGERED SPECIES! Oh  my  God. The sky is surely falling. So these selfsame idiots turned loose of a few Millions of Daddykins Millions to our Honest Benevolent Congressmen (talk about an Endangered Species) and got them to Pass laws to protect with loving care these lovely holdovers of the Pleistocene age, with huge fines to be levied if anyone so much as disturbed the nap of good old Albert. And well time passed, as it is wont to do and guess what?. . . Both the Alligators and species AmericanusGreeduscomgressRex had not only thrived, but multiplied.

Suddenly someone happened to look up and notice that most of the Southern States were rapidly becoming swamped with these peace loving Animals.(just the Alligators) I read in the Newspaper yesterday that Four of these swamp denizens had to be removed from the grounds of a Grammar School in Florida, one of these scaly chaps was about Eight feet long.  So as we did during the Nuclear Building Boom Congress jumped in with both feet and declared an Alligator Open Season. In the States affected, One month a year, Hunters can take up to several Hundred Alligators, if they can afford to purchase a bundle of tags, one of which has to be inserted through the tail of every 'Gator taken. And another astounding fact is that, so far, this doesn't seem to have had any affect. GOSH!! Who could have guessed.
Now the corollary. Have you been watching the Television and reading the Newspapers ? Notice any change ? Any decline in illegitimate Births? And decrease in Murder rates in almost any big city? Any reduction in streetcorner Drug Sales? any increase in Grades in Schools?.

Maybe the Alligators were and are the lesser of two evils? Some of you may remember a terrific comic strip called "The Swamp" ? If you do, you will undoubtedly recall one of its principal characters i.e. "Pogo Possum", you will doubtless also remember one of his humerous and dead-on sayings..."We has met the enemy and he is us"..Of course, if you disagreed with ogo, he also stated, "To each his everlovin blue eyed own".

Stay Well
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Raccoons in the Attic.

Hi Guys:

Some time ago (last summer to be exact) my wife and I became aware that there was some sort of creature in our attic. We kept hearing noises and finally our Daughter came downstairs and told us a Racoon was trying to get in her bedroom window.
When I checked outside the next day I found that raccoons had chewed the mullions (also called muntens) of eight windows upstairs all to bits in an effort to get in. One or more had even broken one of the window in its effort.
I immediately called the window replacement guy (you've seen him on T.V. Jumping  up and down on one of his windows) I asked him if, in addition to sustain walking-on  would his windows be Racoon proof. After being assured that they would be, I ordered new windows and within a few weeks the new windows arrived. AFTER the windows had been installed and the window guys had departed, the next night my wife and I heard noises again.
The next day I examined  the new windows and found not a scratch, bite mark, dried raccoon poop or any other signs of attempted entry by coons. I finally found that they were entering through a hole they had torn in my almost new one million dollar roof  (well it seemed like a million when I wrote the check) and we STILL heard noises.
the next day I called some Animal Control specialists. they came out and after a trip in the attic they assured me that we DID most assuredly have Racoons, which they would remove for only about five or six thousand dollars. they also, in an effort to bring me to, after I fainted, mentioned Homeowners Insurance. Oh Boy !
I called our Home Owners Insurance, who, I'm pretty sure, have a seat on the G8 council, and they scheduled a visit by his Holiness Igor the Adjuster,
A few days later I was setting in our sunroom when a blare of trumpets startled me into pouring a cup of coffee in my lap. When I answered the door I beheld a fellow alighting from a Rolls Royce (Just kidding it was only a stretch Limo) He had a black hood on and carried a huge double-bitted axe over one naked shoulder. One of his assistants preceded him into our home and hurled me into a corner. Snarling at me and burying his battle axe into our sofa he said "ALL RIGHT WHERE ARE THESE IMAGINARY RACOONS"I showed him upstairs, being careful not to step on any of the rose petals his squad of hirelings had scattered for his excellency to trod on with his ermine slippers. Since  his imperial-all-seeing-all-knowing wizard was about six feet eight inches tall, he sent one of his minions into the attic to investigate. When this underling emerged later, covered with raccoon dung from head to toe where the creatures had hurled it at him, being fresh out of Frankinsense and laurel wreaths, and the hireling, after scraping enough of the feces from his mouth to allow him speech (and wiping it on a convenient rag(my shirt) announced that there might be raccoons indeed in my attic. After his Majesty threw me down the stairs to remind me of my lowly status as a mere premium payer, kicking me out of his way when he swept majestically down the stairs, he proceeded to measure every room in the house, (without recording the measurements, just as a reminder to me of my absolute unimportance, then took approximately 35,000 photographs of the interior of the house, pausing only to detach a pesky raccoon who was biting him on the shoulder of his red velvet singlet, then sent one of his trolls out to his carriage to fetch a parchment scroll and wrote a note saying that it seemed (yawn) that we MIGHT have a minor raccoon problem, and that the company( Name withheld as My security clearance would  only allow me entrance to the White house and other inimportat structures) and on fear of death I was forbidden to mention the name, would, out of the bigness of their huge hearts would send me a few dollars, from which I was to completely rebuild my house and paint it Red, so that the neighbors (the common kind-as opposed to ---the forbidden name) would know of their beneficence. I eventually received a letter from the 73rd assistant to the deputy assistant Adjuster, enclosing a check for about seven dollars and an autographed picture of the Pope, who I found later was the 72nd assistant , who, in a Papal Bull, notified me that they most assuredly WOULD NOT pay me for my windows as I had, in my stupidity, failed to make a video of the Racoons in council, voting to chew on my windows, and a continuation of them doing just that.

The moral of this story, which I write from my Hospital bed, is IF YOU HAVE RACOONS JUST LIVE WITH THEM, THEY ARE, AFTER ALL, OF A HIGHER ORDER OF INTELLIGENCE THAN INSURANCE ADJUSTERS .


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CatCare

Cat Care

Just a few things to help you medicate your beloved pet.

HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as though you were cradling a baby.Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth, and gently apply pressure to its cheeks. When cat opens up, pop pill into mouth. Cat will then close mouth and swallow.
Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat the process. retrieve cat from basement and throw soggy pill away. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, immobilizing front and rear paws, ask assistant to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into cat's throat. flick pill down ruler with forefinger and rub cat's throat vigorously. Remove cat from valence of living room windows. bandage forefinger, instruct assistant on fastest route to Hospital and assure him that you will pay the E.R. bill. Sweep up shattered fragments of family pictures, make note to buy new frames, apologize to wife. retrieve new pill from dwindling supply. Wrap cat in beach towel and ask new assistant to lie on cat with only the cat's head protruding from between assistant's legs. Put pill in tube of paper, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow on the tube to force pill down cat's throat. read instructions on pill bottle to insure that pil is not lethal to humans. Sip water to remove taste from your mouth. Pack new assistant's pant crotch with beach towel and fill his pockets with ice cubes to stem bleeding. Assure assistant that his voice won't always sound like that. Call cab to take assistant to Hospital E.R. repeat process as with Assistant number one .Remove blood from carpet and your clothes with detergent. Call 911 and request fire department to retrieve cat from top of utility pole. Obtain last pill from bottle., wrap cat from throat to tip of tail with Duct tape, taking care to immobilize all 4 legs with approximately one half inch of Duct tape. Call hair salon and make appointment to have Duct tape removed from head.
Borrow welder's gloves from neighbor. Don thick woolen overcoat, G.I. Helmet and welder's face shield and goggles. Pry cats couth open with Wife's new $250.00 tennis racquet. Drop pill, wrapped in half ounce of hamburger down cats throat. Pour one fourth ounce of vodka down cat's throat and drink the rest of the bottle yourself.
Try to wash out fragmented pill from your eyes. Assure neighbor you will buy him new welding gear. Promise wife a new Tennis racquet. Call Attorney and mail him a retainer. Go to hospital E.R. for blood transfusion. Pay cabdriver to have seats recovered to hide blood. Give cat to Animal Shelter. Give shelter $500.00.
Buy a Guppy. Move.

Note to Cat Owners. If this is offensive to you, call your Congressman to complain.



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