Thursday, February 18, 2010

New NASCAR® Race

Good Afternoon race Fans.

In writing this post I am presupposing that there are some Nascar fans who happen across my efforts. If so, I think you might enjoy my idea for a new Nascar race, and one I'm sure would be a sellout for a race track somewhere.

What I propose is having a new race, restricted to only Blonde Girls. They must be "real" blondes (Certification to be made by the Grand Marshall of the Race, who must be a reputable person, such as Former President Bill Clinton.

All drivers must have at least one cell phone in the car with her during the entire race.

All cars entered in the race must be Convertibles,so that fingernail polish will dry more quickly, all must NOT have a rear view mirror (after all if one of the ladies were to look in the mirror, she might accidently see a car behind her)also the cars shall have no brakes, for as any blonde will tell you you can stop easily by running into the car ahead of you, or running out of gas. The Cars must have automatic transmissions, so the ladies won't have to bother with "Icky" shifting, as it requires that one put down one's cell phone in order to shift.

All drivers will be required to surrender their cell phones for one week prior to the race, to allow messages to accumulate.

All ladies will be given cell phones (hand held) with unlimited minutes and texting features, and phones must be turned on five minutes before the green flag drops. Drivers will be penalized if they fail to use their cell phone for one or more laps (Note: In a trial race of this kind, this penalty was never levied).

Cars must also be equipped with a kick-ass stereo, along with 100 C.D.'s of the drivers choosing and the C.D.s will be kept on the floor of the pasengers side.

A make up caddy will be in each car, with a selection of makeup currently on sale at the Dollar Store. Drivers will be required to start the race without makeup, and must successfully apply make up during the race. Drivers will have to go to the rear of the longest line if they drop their lipstick, cell phone or if their glasses (if worn) slip from the top of their head where they usually park them.

No car will be equipped with a speedometer, as they're never used anyway. Any driver who successfully finishes the race without looking at either side for traffic will be eligible to win if she remembers to always turn left, and not make more than two "ueys" (U Turn for the non-blonde readers).

The race will be 100 laps in duration, and must include at least two stops for gas, which the drivers will have to pump themselves. A broken nail suffered during refueling will result in a loss of two positions, or only one if she doesn't burst into tears.

All drivers will be required to wear "Stilleto Heels".

The winner will be awarded a Thousand Dollar Shopping Spree at the Nearest Mall.

Cars will not be equipped with seat belts, as they mess up one's tube top.

All cars will be equipped with a Video Camera, Mounted in the passengers seat and focused on the right side of the drivers head, in the odd moment when she might actually look out the windshield.

The end of the race will be indicated by the waving of the checkered Thong.

The winner will be the first car to cross the finish line, going in the correct direction whether driven by the original blonde or by being pushed by some gomer from the bleachers, overcome by racing fervor(lust), or if no cars can cross the finish line at the end of the race, the Driver with the best hairdo wins.

Lets go Racin Girls!



Friday, February 12, 2010


A Happy day to thee:

I'm bored. I suspect it is a function of retirement, and the very best cure for boredom is writing. Writing about nothing in particular, just slapping the keys and see what comes out.
Be forewarned I may use some intemperate language in this post, so I've asked my alter-ego to take over my wizened brain and write for me once again.

I find that the older I get the more impatient I get with Political Correctness.
I think its high time we called things what they are. For a time during the late feminist period (just after the jurassic) I was reluctant to write a business letter to a female who I did not know, as I didn't want to make the mistake of referring to some bulky babe as Mrs. or Miss, for fear that she wanted to be addressed as Ms.
and having the PC police kick down my door.

I am similarly tired of hearing the terms, Mexican-American, German-American, African-American and so on to the puking point. One is either an American (if born or Naturalized as such) or they're not, Period.

I'm heartily sick of the current Political climate control the News, especially on Television. I get nauseous when I see a Broadcast or sitcom where they are extremely careful to have one each of white, black, chicano, asian etc, on the show in order to conform to what has now become the norm.
I'm sick of "Reality" shows. For instance, I notice that there will now be a show, called Trash Men, about garbage collectors. I know for sure that these people play a necessary part in our society, if we don't want to be buried in our own refuse , but who finds such dreck entertaining?
I also think the show "Dirty Jobs" serves little purpose, as I really don't think the role of television is to make us sick. It was bad enough when shows such as "Lost" had a bunch of half naked people running around on some island somewhere, and do everything except kill one another to win a cash prize. Whatever happened to shows that entertained. It seems the networks no longer have the talent available to make shows such as "The Andy Griffin Show, "The Honeymooners", "Barney Miller," "cheers" ," Sanford and son', etc. The only explanation that I can come up with is that a whole lot of People call themselves Writers for T.V. when they are nothing but drecksters, who write for the entertainment of Teenagers ONLY. The same is true of Movies. It seems that the only movies being made are adaptations of earlier movies with a different (and sometimes the same) name, or else something so extremely Science-fiction as to be of no interest other than to that Fat Guy who collects comic Books. And Yep, I know that one shouldn't use the term "Fat", in order to be P.C., but as usual I don't care. I know that Obese or "Weight-Challenged" is the proper term . I think the best quote I've ever heard, regarding a 400 pound individual, was " A person who didn't grow to the proper height for his or her weight"............"Doctor.... Mr (or Mrs) Jones, you need to grow to a height of 9 feet and then you'll be fine.' ' I suggest the Rack ". I think Arty Novels are a sublime waste of time. Unless one is a dedicated student or some variety thereof, I absolutely feel that a good book is Fiction, meant for nothing more than Escapism and entertainment. And in that same vein when a Writer writes some deep psychosis-inducing book with a meaning so elusive that the "Art" crowd falls all over themselves droning on about the hidden meaning is nothing more than a scammer who has no real literary talent, and for the most part I think the people who read these "Deep" books (or claim they have)do so to impress other people in Starbucks,(ala "Frazier") I've got news for those "Arty-Farty" people. The hidden meaning of such books is that the writer can't write a lick, but knows there is a steady market for such "Deep" books, when in reality they are about as deep as a wading pool for parakeets . Hell the old "Penny Dreadful' of the victorian Age were Masterpieces compared to many books nowadays (and I use the term "Book" loosely) . I think old Kramer of the Seinfeld show had the right idea about Coffee Table books, in that some books would be better used with legs affixed, to set your coffee cup on. I suspect some people buy Certain books using the criteria of how they'll look on their table or in their bookcase (if they have one). I think all Politicians ought to be shaved bald and have a number painted on their pate, and thenceforth referred to only by number. I also think that these same politicians should have to wear a jail jumpsuit, yellow in color, with a design of Hundred dollar Bills emblazoned on them, as a Political Camouflage.And, finally, I think that most people who write "Letters to the Editor shouldn't".

That's enough for now, I've successfully obviated my boredom.BUT, more to come,later, when my spleen becomes overful and needs Venting.

Stay Well and don't forget to Laugh a Little.



Sunday, February 7, 2010

Super Bowl Sunday

Good Morning Folks:

Today, as anyone in the civilized world knows, is Super Bowl Sunday. The one time of the year when a man can be a man and abuse fully the term "Couch Potato".
We men can, and are expected to, by our long suffering Spouses, do absolutely nothing but set our enormous butts on the sofa, watch T.V. and consume huge quantities of Junk Food and our beverages of choice. More than a few of this vast , overfed herd will undoubtedly partake too freely of an alcoholic beverage and then proceed to sleep during all or most of the Super Bowl. This will allow our long-suffering spouses the opportunity to vacuum the mounds of debris created by our snacking and apply windex to the T.V. and our eyeglasses to erase greasy fingerprints. Now we men are simply being considerate in dozing off to allow our spouses this luxury, which also includes giving her time to drag out a half dozen or so trash bags full of cast off food wrappers and bags, beverage cans or bottles, discarded paper towels and such and try the patience of landfill operators everywhere.

On the part of we noble men, we can only hope that we are not among the detritus thus discarded , and most of us are safe, as our spouses are smart enough to recognize that if a pile of trash emits a snore, its probably hubby or one of his cronies, and thus should not be discarded by a cheerful Christian Lady (or a few second-generation Muslim-American ladies).

So, bring on the provender, pigskin, pork rinds and Pepto-Bismol. We are ready.

I guess most guys will have a favorite in the game, but as for me, it's a difficult choice. As I've said more than a few times in the past, I have a warm spot in my Heart for New Orleans, having once, for about a Ten Year period, being a resident of the "Big Easy"...BUT, I must also confess to being a fan of the Indianapolis Colts, and more especially, of Peyton Manning, and indeed, of the whole Manning Clan.

I also imagine that Accomplished Quarterback Manning also has mixed feelings about the game, as he was raised in New Orleans, rooting for his Father Archie Manning, who was Quarterback of the Saints during their time of dubious distinction, being known as the "Aints", and having fans show up for the game with paper bags over their heads. I can well imagine that Manning Senior has a heart swelling with pride, in that two of his sons have followed in his footsteps, and even outreached them as both Peyton and his Brother Eli have won a Superbowl, and both have been chosen as the M.V.P. of their respective games. I imagine that Archie Manning feels just as I do, in that I feel the best a Man can hope for is that his offspring will exceed anything we may have accomplished in our lives.

So, it will, to me, be a very interesting game, whoever wins, and I would not dare to make any predictions other than more than a few men (and a few women) will wake up tomorrow with a hangover and a too-full stomach.

So, kick the ball and let us begin to enjoy our delicious misery already!



Friday, February 5, 2010

Wally World.

Good Morning Folks:

I recently had occasion to visit Wal Mart, and it started me thinking more about this Corporation.

Now, I have known for a long time that when Wal Mart comes into a community, smaller stores soon begin to fail, and in short order small towns such as the one in which My Family and I reside, are soon filled with empty stores, where there once were thriving small businesses.

I suspect this happens to a greater degree in small towns vs. large cities, but have no doubt that a considerable number of smaller businesses in large cities also close their door when "Wally World" enters.

I don't think, and I have nothing to base this on except my judgement, that Sam Walton meant for this diaspora of small businesses to occur, but as we all know, it has happened, just the same.

Whether this is now the Business Plan for Wal-Mart or not, this is exactly what happens:

Wal-Mart opens. New patrons will at first be thrilled with the wide selection offered, and in a lot of cases, much lower prices will be found. But over a long or smaller length of time has elapsed, small towns around the new Giant store have lost many, if not all, of their small businesses and a patron of Wal-Mart who pays attention will, I think, begin to notice the following:

1. Prices at WM will start to creep up, to the point where the patron is soon paying more to shop at Wal Mart than they ever did shopping in the small businesses in their Town, Village or Hamlet . But.....what is one to do? All the small concerns have shuttered their stores and....Voila! Wal-Mart is left as the only option.

2. Wal-Mart will gradually omit more and more American Made items, as they can buy Foreign made good much cheaper, and thus make a greater profit. I have noticed, as a rule, when W-M first started stocking Foreign made goods, they were a LOT cheaper than domestic items on the next rack, but over time, the foreign made goods will slowly increase in price, coincident with fewer and fewer American Made products being displayed or available.

This folks, is called "Conditioning", sort of a sort of adaptation of Pavlov's "Response Theory", wherein dog's are slowly trained to start salivating when a bell is rung.

Whether you want to call it Conditioning or a Criminal Enterprise, this is exactly what is happening in Cities across the United States, and has been for a long time.

There was a time when such devious conduct was known as an illegal monopoly , and was against the law, but no longer.

This is perhaps because the U.S. is selling U.S. Securities at a greater and greater pace to China (the largest case) and other countries. In fact, it seems to me that what we, the Citizens of the U.S. have allowed to occur, is a Government falling over on its back, and saying to China among others, "sock it to me Baby".

Unpleasant, but true, in my humble opinion.

Remember when Wal Mart first opened in your town? Everywhere you looked their were "associates", employees of WM who were helpful and more.
Wal Mart is slowly, but surely "paring down" its payroll and you now have to look long and hard to find someone to help you. You will also note, as I have, in the Wal Mart "Super Stores" the replacement of check out isles with 'Self Check" aisles, ostensibly for your (the customer's) convenience. this is not for our convenience folks, this is for one purpose only and that guessed it,to allow Wal Mart to eliminate yet another employee. You will also, I think, notice, as I have, that fewer and fewer check out aisles will be open, forcing us, the customers, to wait for a longer and longer period of time. WM is counting on us saying to ourselves," well, I've already got a cart full of stuff that I need, so I'll just have to wait my turn", and Wal Mart will have once more succeeded in reducing their costs, to the detriment of us, the buying public.

If you want a suggestion, which might or might now make the Mighty Corporation sit up and take notice, when you get to one of the few check outs open, only find a long line, just wheel your cart to one side, abandon it, and leave the store. If enough people do this, maybe, just maybe, Wally will get the message, or maybe not, but at least we will have registered our displeasure, and perhaps one employee of Wal Mart will keep his or her job, in order to re shelve such abandoned items.

Also, if, say, a certain shirt, or other item, catches your eye, look to see where its made, and if it's not American Made, don't buy it, unless you just HAVE to have it. Perhaps, and it's an "iffy" perhaps, if enough people start doing this, the American Garment Industry will start to make a come back. Its worth a try!

So, I'm very much afraid what we will see, will be come to be known as the "Wal Mart Effect", whereas we will see increasingly, fewer and fewer small businesses and their attendant jobs, More and more giant Businesses, higher and higher prices, a continual growth of unemployment, higher taxes, until, like the Kilkenny Cats, all that is left of the United States of America will be our nails and the tip of our tails.

Another example of this syndrome are Lowes and Home Depot. The rise and success of these giant"Home Improvement Warehouse" concerns have closed down the small town Lumber Yard, for the most part. I sometimes wonder if these mega-corporations employ a person to go around to towns with and/or near such a Mega-Corp., and more or less conduct a census to determine how many small businesses are left? Don't laugh, it is entirely within the realm of possibility. What better incentive for, say, Lowes, as an example, to raise their prices, than the determination that there is, in fact, no competition for them except for Home-Depot. I confess I am as guilty as the next person of patronizing Home Depot, as an example. A few days ago, our Home water heater went toes up, and I purchased a replacement at Home-Depot. I tried to make amends by hiring a local Man and a small Businessman to install the water heater, and paid him almost the exact same price for the installation as the Water Heater cost at Home-Depot, so maybe, in a small way, I tried to balance out the necessary with the desired. In other words, it was necessary to purchase the Appliance at Home Depot, but I was desirous of keeping as much of my money in my own Community instead of the pockets of a Giant Concern, and thus be a good citizen.

But, perhaps, I have it all wrong?. However, since Wal-Mart has already captured Boardwalk and Park Place, they are in the final stages of winning this International Monopoly's not a game, now is it?

When it affects our collective pocketbook's it's no longer a game is it?.



Monday, February 1, 2010

Lost Writers

Good Afternoon Gentle Folk:

I have just finished reading the Blog of a man I admire, An Editor at a local Newspaper, a man who carefully assembles the parts of the English Language so well that he makes his living from so doing. He is also a man I consider to be a friend, although we have never met. This Gentleman, and I use the word advisedly, who encouraged me start writing (again). I say again, as I had more or less taken a sabbatical from writing, save for many dry, uninteresting technical reports, etc, that were part of my job as a Chemist , plus the fact that I felt I didn't have anything to say, and had absolutely no talent as a writer.

It is true that I tried to write when I was younger, but in common with many people, I found that I had a paucity of life experiences to write about, so I gave up on writing, and buckled down to the tedious task of making a living for my young, but growing, family.

But, although I didn't write, except in the course of my job, but I did read, voraciously. (and still do)

But enough about me, I was commenting about a post on the Blog written by my friend, and I realize that I am taking a point of privilege, to refer to him as such, but I have already explained that statement.

The excellent Blog I am referring to is: http://Exactly The author of this Blog uses it almost exclusively to instruct others the noble art of writing and the importance of correct usage of the English Language, and I am grateful for his efforts, as they have helped me a lot.

Today's Post on the above mentioned blog refers to the Death of J. D. Salinger, and the better known of his two books, "The Catcher in the Rye" This blogger states an opinion that I wholeheartedly echo i.e. that this is one of the most deadly boring books I have ever had the displeasure of reading.

I was, at the time of said reading, taking a College English Course, and was assigned this book to write an Essay on.(In High School they are called "Book Reports", but in College said reports are called "Essays", Analysis', thought on the Writer's theme or Motive, and so on, ad nauseum.

I read Catcher in the Rye, and hated it, so I read it again, trying desperately to find something in the book to build an Essay around,and about the only Statement I could come up with was, "I am saddened to report that I can find nothing to say complimentary about this Book, I wish I hadn't read it, and will try, earnestly to now forget that I have done so"

My instructor was more than a little displeased on my Essay, but was too cowardly to give me a bad grade on my effort , and in so doing followed her apparent method of doing her job, that of teaching, albiet poorly, what thousands of others before her,had done. Had I been grading the instructor on her assignments and ability to teach, in the main, I would have given her a F-, both on her choice of books to assign students to read, and her reasons for doing so, again, everone else does it!.

But I speak ill of the Dead, in that Mr. Salinger died last week, and his one Claim to Fame (the afore-mentioned book) is freshly being hailed in newspapers and magazines as one of the signal pieces of literature in American History, but I fall back on the words of one my Uncle's, who, after making an uncomplimentary remark on a Person freshly deceased, and being told that he shouldn't speak bad of the recently deceased chap, Said " Why?, I didn't like the Son-of-a-Bitch when he was alive, so why should I like him any better because he's dead?"

It has been only a few short months since the passing of one of the Finest Writers of Fiction I've ever read,and I speak of Mr. Tony Hillerman, who was given scant notice in the Media. Mr. Hillermans books not only entertained me, since I read both for escape and for education, and I shall miss having any more of his books to enrichen my life. Mr. Hillerman's books about the Native American people, I feel shall long endure, even not to the notice of the "Critics" of the media.I feel it is a travesty to give so much journalistic mention of J. D. Salinger, when writers such as Mr. Hillerman have contributed so much to modern american Literature.

Also, another writer of Notable Fiction passed away last week. Robert B. Parker, whose "Spenser" Novels more or less raised the bar on Crime Fiction, even though his last few books, I thought, were apparently written on a "Cookie-Cutter' basis, and suffered therefrom.

So, if my recommendation means anything, Be sure and read Tony Hillerman and Parker, especially his earlier Spenser Novels and his two or three Westerns, and skip Salinger, You will find it no unendurable loss.

Let us mourn those who deserve recognition, and forget about Mr. Salinger. The sooner the better.(note:-added later) As I frequently do, I posted this article without thinking it through, and as a result, it may sound a bit, just let me add one thing. When I say forget about Mr. Salinger, I could and should have said, perhaps remember Mr. Salinger for his ecctricity, and for the fact that he was an Author, but you will miss nothing if you fail to read his books.

Also I was (am) remiss, in not mentioning a couple of other writers who I think you will enjoy.

The first of these is an excellent writer, and to my knowledge, a good person, is James Lee Burke, whose books are always pleasing to this reader. And the same goes for Dean Koontz, who, while I have never met the man, I feel a certain kinship with, for he is a Dog Lover, as am I.

So, I have corrected my errors of omission (which I suspect happens frequently with we apprentice writers). Sorry, Please and Thank You