Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Computers--Curse or Blessing?

Hello Good People:

The reason for tonights subject, is that I have for most of the last two days been trying, mostly unsuccessfully, to straighten out manifold computer problems.

The problems first peered out from under their rock and exposed themselves, via a "s--l--o--w--i--n--g down of my computer. No matter what page I was trying to load, it was taking longer and longer to do so. I finally identified one source of the problems, and it was called McAfee.

I reluctantly resubscribed to Mac for a one year period about four months ago after quite a long and trouble free time without having its security suite, but became reasonably sure that I had a virus in my Computer.

Today I was notified that my computer wasn't safe, as, My McAfee Subscription had expired.
It only took me about two hours chatting with McAfee customer service, aka "Al Quaeda"( I probably misspelled the name of Osama's scout troop, but I don't care) to get McAfee to admit that they had made a mistake, and were Emailing me directions on how to re-energize their bunny (read Tasmanian Devil), and so I blithely started following their directions.
Their first instruction was to close all programs, including the Email I was reading (after printing out the E/m) so I skipped happily along and started to comply.

The first inkling I had of impending trouble was in printing their instructions, or at least trying to. My relatively new Canon printer would only print every other page, but after only a short time (in Geologic terms) I finally got the printer to print the whole document.

Next, I found that their "Instructions" consisted of a long list of McAfee products I should buy in order to get my confuser, I mean computer(Not really) to work, to save my immortal soul, make childbirth a pleasure, and to align the front end of all my vehicles.

After completing my penace, and declining their offers, mirac de dieu, the computer started happily working.

Perhaps I am overreacting, as this was only the 457,512th time I have had computer trouble, and as Dell Computer Company's spokesman , a Mr. Cerebus, has repeatedly told me, "No one else is having any problems"

Maybe my wife is right (as usual) and I'm just dumb. OR is it, as I suspect the work of the antichrist (junior grade) bill gates, or as he is known to everyone but Warren Buffet, as," Mister I'm so much richer than the rest of you, ergo, I am smarter", and he is probably correct, as I don't have the wherewithal to purchase the rest of the world and keep it in my garage to play with.

For instance; I have an annoying tendency to type "out" when I mean to type "our". Maybe I'm "typelexic".

Oh Well, Dell is probably right, I'm probably the only person in the world who is having any problems with a Computer, because I was over the age of six when I first started to tinker with one of these infernal devices, had long since stopped using clearasil, naively thought all I had to do to operate the beast of Billville was to sit meself down and follow instructions, plug in about ten thousand cables, and start the thing up, and voila, I would be all set to visit the glorious world of computers, and start typing happily away. Instead what I was really about to enter was a death of ten thousand software programs, attempting to learn a new language and increase my consumption of Rolaids to about a bushel per day. I still don't know what most of the Customer service reps are talking about as when I call about a problem, such as "well, Meester Jock the prollem youd ar habbing ees youd frammistrilator ees not kalking wees youd swillivamooter, keindelee cobbect thas derror" I've added another key to my keyboard , that when depressed, automatically types "Huh?". Of course, eventually the problem is cleared up after only about 28 hours plus administering an attitude adjustment (Louisville Slugger) to my computer.

I'm not confused, I'm "Compfused"

So, if, as I suspect, I am the only person who ever has had a computer problem, this Blog probably won't interest anyone else.


Sleep well and dream of Googles chasing Yahoos.


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