Thursday, February 18, 2010

New NASCAR® Race

Good Afternoon race Fans.

In writing this post I am presupposing that there are some Nascar fans who happen across my efforts. If so, I think you might enjoy my idea for a new Nascar race, and one I'm sure would be a sellout for a race track somewhere.

What I propose is having a new race, restricted to only Blonde Girls. They must be "real" blondes (Certification to be made by the Grand Marshall of the Race, who must be a reputable person, such as Former President Bill Clinton.

All drivers must have at least one cell phone in the car with her during the entire race.

All cars entered in the race must be Convertibles,so that fingernail polish will dry more quickly, all must NOT have a rear view mirror (after all if one of the ladies were to look in the mirror, she might accidently see a car behind her)also the cars shall have no brakes, for as any blonde will tell you you can stop easily by running into the car ahead of you, or running out of gas. The Cars must have automatic transmissions, so the ladies won't have to bother with "Icky" shifting, as it requires that one put down one's cell phone in order to shift.

All drivers will be required to surrender their cell phones for one week prior to the race, to allow messages to accumulate.

All ladies will be given cell phones (hand held) with unlimited minutes and texting features, and phones must be turned on five minutes before the green flag drops. Drivers will be penalized if they fail to use their cell phone for one or more laps (Note: In a trial race of this kind, this penalty was never levied).

Cars must also be equipped with a kick-ass stereo, along with 100 C.D.'s of the drivers choosing and the C.D.s will be kept on the floor of the pasengers side.

A make up caddy will be in each car, with a selection of makeup currently on sale at the Dollar Store. Drivers will be required to start the race without makeup, and must successfully apply make up during the race. Drivers will have to go to the rear of the longest line if they drop their lipstick, cell phone or if their glasses (if worn) slip from the top of their head where they usually park them.

No car will be equipped with a speedometer, as they're never used anyway. Any driver who successfully finishes the race without looking at either side for traffic will be eligible to win if she remembers to always turn left, and not make more than two "ueys" (U Turn for the non-blonde readers).

The race will be 100 laps in duration, and must include at least two stops for gas, which the drivers will have to pump themselves. A broken nail suffered during refueling will result in a loss of two positions, or only one if she doesn't burst into tears.

All drivers will be required to wear "Stilleto Heels".

The winner will be awarded a Thousand Dollar Shopping Spree at the Nearest Mall.

Cars will not be equipped with seat belts, as they mess up one's tube top.

All cars will be equipped with a Video Camera, Mounted in the passengers seat and focused on the right side of the drivers head, in the odd moment when she might actually look out the windshield.

The end of the race will be indicated by the waving of the checkered Thong.

The winner will be the first car to cross the finish line, going in the correct direction whether driven by the original blonde or by being pushed by some gomer from the bleachers, overcome by racing fervor(lust), or if no cars can cross the finish line at the end of the race, the Driver with the best hairdo wins.

Lets go Racin Girls!



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