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Hi:

Right now I feel like the little boy whose Dog really did eat his homework. He had spilled some Marinara Sauce on it while eating his supper and finishing his Math Homework, got up momentarily from the table, and returned to find his Dog sitting attentively next to the table, with a scrap of paper hanging from his jowls with;
Timmy Baker, Miss garpy's 3rd grade arithmetic written on it.

It really did happen, but he couldn't use the excuse, because some other little bastard named chuck or Leftie or Big Un had already falsely used it.

They say write what you know, but what if you don't know a damned thing? . I guess that's not really accurate, I do know a few things, but they are of no earthly interest to anyone, including me. The things that I do know for sure sound like preaching when I write them. I know about Good Manners, Hygiene (Never go out with a girl named Butch, who has tattos on her knuckles and a hairy mole on her nose that she calls Monica (the mole, not the nose)and uses Roach Spray for deodorant. I know about not having enough money, about being a disappointment to myself (for one) I know about the unconditional love of a Dog, and how most Dogs are better people than people. I know Cats make me sneeze, I know the person who invented the Robotic Telephone answering System ought to be Gelded and sentenced to live in Minnesota or Chicago or some such place. I know that Knit pants in any size other than 00 ought to be outlawed in any public place, such as your living room. I know that most men who wear a Bow Tie look dumb and pretentious, if you can't afford a Tux (and I can't) for God's sake don't wear a Bow Tie. I know the New Yorker Magazine is a pile of Happy Roach dung. I know that most people who go about telling the world how great a Christian they are are really just Horny little Boys or Girls who never grew up. I know that self pity is usually well deserved because you really are an asshole. I know that dealing with the U.S. Government is worse than having a case of the Crabs, and being forced to wear boxing gloves. I know that while the Computer I am currently scribbling on is Junk, but good enough for someone who Cannot Write worth a Damn. I know that I can't stand men who wear loafers without socks, or white belts, or checked pants, or who pay more than Ten Bucks for a haircut, when they usually don't have enough hair to make a Bad Toupee for a gerbil. I know an Automobile is a hole in the driveway that you throw money into. I know that Executives who make Millions of Dollars a year should be paid a Dollar an Hour, and be painted with pink and green polka dots and made to go naked except for a codpiece made from a Collander. These are the things I know, and who the Heck wants to read about them? I know I am damned tired of "Political Correctness" and Buzzwords like "thinking outside of the
box"..........whatever the heck that means.I know that Politicians and Televangelists are paid too much. I know that George W. Bush is as dumb as a box of hammers (no disrespect intended for hammers, for they DO serve a purpose. I know that in all probability our current President will probably win the Heisman Trophy because he watched a football game. I know that my Wife's Motto is probably "diminished expectations" or "oh well". I know that most Gay guys are really guys who never got a date in High School because he couldn't find a Girl as Pretty as himself . I know I never heard a Swedish guy say "Yumpin Yimminy". I know that so called "Modern Art" is the work of guys who can't paint worth a lick, and is usually collected by people with so much money that they think they have good taste . I know that Professional Athletes make a lot of money playing a childs game. I know that Shoe Salesmen (or women) are underpaid. I know that few things are as irritating as shorts that ride up . I know that most of us are luckier than we admit. I know that Child Molesters all deserve the Death Penalty, and that rapists should be neutered and forced to watch Jerry Springer day and night. I know that men who stop and ask directions are smart enough to know they are dumb.

In short, what is this strange compulsion that makes a person want to be a Writer anyway, other than a limp ego?

I also know that it feels damned good to write something no one will ever read.

So There .

Written by the Evil Alter Ego of;

The Old Professor

(I would never write anything with profanity in it, would I?) ©